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 Why Do Women Cry (Author Unknown) "Why are you crying?" he asked his Mom. "Because I'm a woman" she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will". Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason" was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to GOD; When GOD got on the phone, the man said, "GOD, why do women cry so easily?" GOD said, "When I made women she had to be special." I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world; yet, gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. This same sensitivity helps her to make a child's boo-boo feel better and shares in their teenagers anxieties and fears. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. I gave her a tear to shed, It's hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed. It's her only weakness.... It's a tear for mankind....................
The Mature Woman (Author Unknown)
- I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
Women Drivers (Author Unknown)
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles.
Of these, 16 miles, each way is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449.
According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98 and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY I drive past at least one female that: No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.
Broad Jump (Source Unknown)
Click here to listen to the accompanying .wav file.
It's Good To Be A Woman (Author Unknown)
- We got off the Titanic first.
What Women Are (Author Unknown) By the time the Lord made women, he was into his Sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands. The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!" said the Angel. The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that they must have! "And that's just on the standard model?" The Angel asked. The Lord nodded in agreement. "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word." The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." But I can't!" The Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower." The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her so soft, Lord." She is soft", Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate." The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." That's not a leak." The Lord objected. "That's a tear!" What's the tear for?" the Angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride." The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything, for WOMEN are truly amazing." Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution". They go without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.
I'm A Senior Citizen! (Author Unknown)
I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 PM,
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up,
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians...
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate,
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days,
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!!
Strange Old Lady (Author: Rose Madeline Mula)  Graphic by Penny Parker
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there, and the next day she was.
She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.
If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but is not nearly enough to even pay part of the rent.
I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me, I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later it’s all gone. I certainly don’t spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is taking it.
You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream, Lord knows she needs it. And money isn’t the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. -- especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I can’t seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she’d better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds, I suspect she realizes that and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I’m not home and altering my clothes so they won’t fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can’t find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized. She also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I have carefully programmed it to do.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things -- like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out is a real challenge. Lately she has been fooling with my groceries, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. Is this any way to repay my hospitality.
She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my passport picture taken, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me! Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that that wrinkled old lady from my passport is me.
She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.
Never To Late (Unknown Artist)
My New Friend (Author Unknown)
Today I met a great new friend
She listened to my problems
I never once felt judged by her
She didn't interrupt me
I wanted her to understand
I put my arms in front of me
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